It could be the heat getting to me. It could be the meeting between the manager of our apartment yesterday and how he turned the tables around on us. It could be school. But mainly it's me having too much time to think about things. So I dwell on what is wrong with my life. I go through this every few months and I guess its time.
I don't understand my friends some times. I don't know why I go around people who fuck me over when I do things for them. On my birthday I was ditched for a basketball game. I let it go, maybe it was me trying to keep peace and not cry on my birthday. I cried anyway, in my car until my mom got in. That's when she asked me if I was "surprised".
We already had plans for my birthday and then off she goes to a mavs game leaving me watching an obeese teens special on discovery health while laying in bed with my parents. Wow. Does that sound pathetic? Sure does. I let it go. I never pressed on or made a scene. I just let it happen. It's like I convinced myself that a friend ditching you on your birthday was okay.
People say I am too nice. I have tried to "change" that but I can't. I will always be nice. I will never snap at anyone or confront them over things. I just don't because I am a loser.
When I go out of my way to call and send birthday cards to my friends and they don't even have the decency to call or pick up the phone or send a card my way, it makes me think I am wasting my time. Sometimes I think I am just annoying and everyone puts on a front as if they like me but in reality they don't because I am too sensitive to tell- that I might break. Stupid? sure.
This is what goes on through my mind.
When I went to Houston for my birthday did I get a card from anyone? no. Go figure. I feel like I do so much for people. Then when I don't see anything in return I turn my back on them, until I feel guilty and end up doing something for the person that never does anything for me. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I expect something in return for everything I do. Because I don't. But when you constantly get nothing from people it's difficult. I don't know what to do really. I shouldn't have to settle with anything. It just makes me upset that I let myself put up with people who treat me this way. I don't even know why I bother calling people sometimes because there is no point. So now that is what I have done. I've shut down and blocked everyone out and they have no idea why.
I don't understand my friends some times. I don't know why I go around people who fuck me over when I do things for them. On my birthday I was ditched for a basketball game. I let it go, maybe it was me trying to keep peace and not cry on my birthday. I cried anyway, in my car until my mom got in. That's when she asked me if I was "surprised".
We already had plans for my birthday and then off she goes to a mavs game leaving me watching an obeese teens special on discovery health while laying in bed with my parents. Wow. Does that sound pathetic? Sure does. I let it go. I never pressed on or made a scene. I just let it happen. It's like I convinced myself that a friend ditching you on your birthday was okay.
People say I am too nice. I have tried to "change" that but I can't. I will always be nice. I will never snap at anyone or confront them over things. I just don't because I am a loser.
When I go out of my way to call and send birthday cards to my friends and they don't even have the decency to call or pick up the phone or send a card my way, it makes me think I am wasting my time. Sometimes I think I am just annoying and everyone puts on a front as if they like me but in reality they don't because I am too sensitive to tell- that I might break. Stupid? sure.
This is what goes on through my mind.
When I went to Houston for my birthday did I get a card from anyone? no. Go figure. I feel like I do so much for people. Then when I don't see anything in return I turn my back on them, until I feel guilty and end up doing something for the person that never does anything for me. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I expect something in return for everything I do. Because I don't. But when you constantly get nothing from people it's difficult. I don't know what to do really. I shouldn't have to settle with anything. It just makes me upset that I let myself put up with people who treat me this way. I don't even know why I bother calling people sometimes because there is no point. So now that is what I have done. I've shut down and blocked everyone out and they have no idea why.
posted by ellenyc at Saturday, August 04, 2007
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